What They’re Not Saying: Subtle Clues Someone You Care About Might Be Experiencing Abuse And How To Help Them

When someone you care about might be in a harmful or controlling relationship, it can be hard to know what to do. You might feel torn between wanting to help and worrying about saying the wrong thing. The truth is, abuse isn’t always obvious. It can hide behind smiles, excuses, or what looks like a “normal” relationship from the outside.

Fortunately, research in psychology, public health, and social work gives us a clearer picture of what to look for and how to offer support that’s both safe and compassionate. What follows is a closer look at some of the subtle warning signs of abuse and practical, research-informed ways you can be there for someone who might be going through it.

What We Mean by “Abuse” in Intimate Relationships

Before exploring the signs, it’s important to clarify what is meant by “abuse” or “intimate partner violence” (IPV). In the United Kingdom, organisations such as Women’s Aid and the Office for National Statistics (ONS) define domestic abuse as encompassing physical violence, sexual violence, coercive or controlling behaviour, emotional and psychological abuse, and financial abuse perpetrated by a current or former partner or family member. The Home Office further emphasises that abuse is not limited to physical harm, it also includes emotional, economic, verbal, and digital forms of control and coercion, all of which can have serious and lasting psychological effects. IPV is a significant public health problem globally, with millions of individuals experience it, but many incidents go unreported.

With that in mind, here are five potential warning signals that someone may be in a harmful relationship, along with suggestions for how you can help.

1. Their Emotional State Changes—Anxiety, Hypervigilance, Depression

One of the earliest and most consistent changes is in a person’s emotional and psychological state. Over time, those experiencing abuse often develop heightened anxiety, depressive symptoms, or signs of hypervigilance (always being on guard). In fact, research on IPV and mental health shows a reinforcing loop: abuse exacerbates risks of depression, post-traumatic stress, and anxiety, and those conditions may then make it harder for someone to seek help or feel confident in their choices.

You might observe subtle signs: your loved one seems more withdrawn, irritable, or jumpy. They may over-apologise or express self-blame for everyday things. They might avoid social gatherings because the stress of “keeping up appearances” is too taxing.

How to respond: Rather than addressing the relationship first, you might start by gently naming what you observe: “You seem more anxious these days; I’m worried about you. Would it help to talk sometime?” Validating their distress (rather than dismissing or framing it as just “stress”) helps them feel seen.

2. Gradual Isolation — From Friends, Family, or Activities

Isolation is a common tactic in abusive dynamics. The abuser may subtly (or overtly) discourage contact with friends or family, criticise them for “interfering,” or sow doubt (“They don’t really care about you anyway”). Over time, the person may pull back from their support system, switch off from hobbies, or drop plans they once looked forward to. In one of the recent studies on early warning signs (before overt violence), some predictors were behaviours such as feeling unable to refuse requests, or a partner showing entitlement or trying to change them. That kind of dynamic, repeated over time, often leads to shrinking social circles and more dependency.

How to respond: Be persistent (but non-judgmental) in your outreach. Even if your friend declines, keep gently offering invitations (e.g. “Coffee this week?”). Let them know you miss them, and that your availability doesn’t depend on them “being ready”—you’re there no matter what. Sometimes, simple connection (a text, a voice note) can counteract the loneliness that abuse reinforces.

3. Shifts in Identity, Confidence, Self-Worth

Long-term emotional abuse often wears down someone’s sense of self. They may stop trusting their own judgment, doubt their memory, or internalise blame. Gaslighting (denying or twisting reality) is a documented strategy that abusers use to destabilise the partner’s confidence. Over time, the person might stop voicing opinions, hide their talents, or refrain from making decisions (even small ones) without permission. This kind of psychological erosion is gradual and often goes unnoticed by outside observers until it’s pronounced.

How to respond: Gently bring up past decisions they made confidently. Affirm their autonomy: “Even if you feel unsure now, I trust your ability to make choices.” But avoid pushing too hard; if they still feel stuck, they may pull back.

4. Minimising, Making Excuses, Rationalising the Partner’s Behaviour

A telling sign is when your loved one consistently downplays or justifies their partner’s harmful actions. They might say, “They didn’t mean it,” or, “It was just a bad day,” or even “If only I hadn’t…” These rationalisations are part of the cycle of abuse, where tension builds, an incident occurs, and then remorse or promises of change follow. Victims often internalise shame or guilt, believing they are responsible.

In a study on predictive behaviours (Charlot et al.), certain thoughts and small behaviours (feeling unable to say “no,” partner trying to change the person) were found to statistically predict later escalation to more overt abuse.

How to respond: Instead of confronting or accusing, mirror what you hear: “I’m hearing that you feel like it was your fault—would you let me share another perspective?” You can gently push the boundary of justification: “Even if they were stressed, that doesn’t excuse being hurtful.” Keep your tone empathetic; the goal is opening reflection, not fuelling defensiveness.

5. Patterns of Control: Finances, Technology, Decisions

Perhaps the most concrete sign is when the partner starts restricting choices, controlling finances, tracking movement, policing social media, or making unilateral decisions. Sometimes control is masked as “protection” (e.g. “I just don’t want you to get upset,” or “I’m only trying to help”). But behind it lies coercive power dynamics. Technological forms of control are increasingly documented in modern research: constant texting, demand for passwords, GPS tracking, behaviours which look outwardly caring but are invasive. Recent research on digital disclosure of domestic violence notes how victims increasingly reveal abuse through social media, often when other outlets feel unsafe (Charlot, et al.). This study identified “nonviolent warning signs” such as feeling unable to say no and attempts by one partner to change the other which, while subtle, can evolve into more direct coercion.

How to respond: Ask open-ended, non-judgmental questions: “Do you feel comfortable making decisions about (your money / your schedule)?” If they reveal feeling controlled, validate their experience: “It’s okay to feel uneasy about that, boundaries are important in relationships.” Avoid shaming or implying they’re weak; the experience of loss of control is often painful and confusing.

How to Support – With Compassion, Safety and Evidence in Mind

Recognising that someone you care about may be in an abusive relationship can stir feelings of worry, frustration, or helplessness. You may want to intervene immediately, but evidence from psychological and trauma-informed research shows that how you offer support can be just as important as the support itself. Survivors often describe their friends, family, or colleagues as the first people they turned to before seeking professional help. How you respond can influence whether they feel believed, empowered, and safe enough to take the next step.

1. Listen Without Judgement

The most important and immediate form of support is listening, not interrogating or giving advice, but creating a space where the person feels heard and validated. Research from SafeLives and Women’s Aid highlights that survivors are more likely to seek help when they feel believed and not blamed for what’s happening to them.

Avoid questions that sound accusatory, such as “Why don’t you just leave?” or “Are you sure it’s really that bad?” These can inadvertently reinforce the shame and confusion created by coercive control. Instead, you might say: “I can see that this is really difficult for you, and I believe you”, “No one deserves to be treated like this, no matter the situation.”

Validation helps counteract the erosion of confidence and self-worth that abuse often causes. According to studies on trauma recovery (for example, work by Herman, 1992; and more recent UK trauma-informed practice frameworks), feeling believed and respected is a crucial early step in healing and safety planning.

2. Respect Their Autonomy

While it may be tempting to encourage them to leave immediately, leaving is often the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Coercive control (a pattern now recognised in UK law under the Serious Crime Act 2015) means that the perpetrator’s sense of control is threatened when the victim tries to leave, increasing the risk of escalation. Survivors need to feel in control of their own decisions, particularly after being denied autonomy for so long.

The best approach is to offer options, not instructions. You might say: "There are organisations that can help you make a safety plan when you’re ready", "Would you like me to look up some support services with you?”

By supporting them to make informed choices, you’re reinforcing their agency rather than replicating the control they’ve experienced.

3. Focus on Safety, Not Solutions

Your instinct might be to “fix” the situation, but your role isn’t to rescue them. It’s to help them stay as safe as possible, emotionally and physically. Encourage them to develop a safety plan, ideally with guidance from a domestic abuse specialist. This could include:

• Keeping copies of important documents (passport, bank cards, birth certificates) in a safe place.

• Agreeing on a code word or phrase to signal when they need urgent help.

• Knowing where they could go in an emergency. For instance, a trusted friend’s house, or contacting Refuge’s 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247).

• Ensuring that children also have safe exit routes or trusted adults to contact.

You can gently offer to help them prepare these measures, but always at their pace. The Domestic Abuse Commissioner for England and Wales stresses that every person’s situation is different and what looks like “doing nothing” may actually be an active process of survival and risk management.

4. Offer Practical, Non-Judgemental Help

Emotional support is important, but so is practical assistance. Abuse can affect every aspect of life: finances, housing, employment, and access to healthcare. Survivors often face multiple barriers to leaving, including economic dependence, fear of homelessness, and lack of childcare.

Here are some practical ways to help:

• Offer to accompany them to appointments with the GP, solicitor, or a support service.

• Help them gather information about local domestic abuse services, such as Victim Support, Women’s Aid, or Men’s Advice Line.

• If they’re in work or education, discreetly help them explore whether there are safeguarding or HR policies that could offer protection.

• Offer transport, childcare, or a safe place to stay if it’s appropriate and safe for you to do so.

Remember, even small gestures such as offering to keep an emergency bag, sending a reassuring message, or helping them access online support safely, can make a significant difference.

5. Understand Trauma and the Psychology of Abuse

Abuse often leaves deep psychological scars that don’t disappear once the relationship ends. Many survivors experience post-traumatic stress symptoms, anxiety, depression, or difficulties trusting others. Research from the British Psychological Society and NHS England’s trauma-informed care guidance emphasises that recovery is non-linear: safety must come before emotional processing.

You can support this by being patient with their healing journey. Avoid suggesting that they should “move on” quickly, or comparing their reactions to others. Instead, focus on steady reassurance and consistent presence. If they seem ready, encourage them to access specialist counselling through the NHS or accredited organisations such as SafeLives, The Survivors Trust, or Mind.

6. Maintain Your Own Boundaries and Wellbeing

Supporting someone through abuse can be emotionally exhausting, especially if you feel powerless to change the situation. Make sure you also have emotional outlets such as talking to someone you trust, or seeking advice from helplines for friends and family such as the National Domestic Abuse Helpline or Respect (for those supporting men or perpetrators seeking change).

Setting healthy boundaries protects both of you. You can say: “I care about you deeply, but I also need to look after my own wellbeing so I can keep being here for you.” This honesty helps sustain your support over time.

7. Know Where to Signpost

Being informed about UK resources helps you act quickly and confidently. Depending on the situation, you can suggest:

• National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge): 0808 2000 247 (24 hours, confidential, free).

• Men’s Advice Line: 0808 801 0327 (for men experiencing abuse).

• Galop: 0800 999 5428 (supporting LGBTQ+ survivors).

• Victim Support: 0808 1689 111 (emotional and practical support for anyone affected by crime).

• The Mix: 0808 808 4994 (for young people under 25).

• Local domestic abuse services – often accessible via your local council or NHS safeguarding team.

If someone is in immediate danger, always encourage them to dial 999 or, if they cannot speak safely, to use the Silent Solution by pressing 55 after calling.

The Silent Solution is a system used by the UK police that allows someone in danger (particularly victims of domestic abuse) to call 999 but remain silent if they can’t speak safely. It’s designed for situations where speaking could put the caller at greater risk, for example, if an abuser is nearby.

How It Works

1. Dial 999

   • If you are in danger but cannot speak safely, dial 999 as usual.

2. You’ll be connected to the operator.

   • If you can, make some sort of noise (like a cough or a tap) so they know you’re on the line, but don’t hang up.

3. Press 55 when prompted.

   • If you can’t speak, you’ll hear an automated message asking you to press 55.

   • Pressing 55 tells the system that you are in a genuine emergency but cannot speak.

4. Your call is then transferred to your local police force.

   • The police will then attempt to trace your call, listen for background sounds, and respond appropriately — often by dispatching officers to your location if possible.

A Final Word: Understanding Complexity and Hope

Abuse is rarely simple. Many relationships are marked by patterns of power and resistance, not just one-time incidents. Also, many survivors show remarkable resilience, and recovery is possible with the right support and timing. The fact that abuse often includes cycles of tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm can make exit decisions confusing. The most powerful thing you can do is to remain a steady, compassionate presence. Abuse thrives in silence and isolation, but your empathy, patience, and knowledge can help break that cycle. As one survivor interviewed by Women’s Aid put it, “What helped me most was someone who didn’t give up on me, even when I wasn’t ready to leave.”

Offering support isn’t about dramatic rescues, it’s about quiet, consistent care that says: You are not alone, and you deserve safety and respect.

#intimatepartnerviolence #ipv #dv #domesticabuse #abuse #violence #trauma #ptsd #cptsd #gad #anxiety #depression #therapy #therapist #psychologist #psychology #couselling #counsellingpsychologist #traumatherapist #traumapsychologist #treatment #recovery #support

Photo by Rafael Otaki on Unsplash