Learning to Feel Safety: Five strategies to re-regulate the nervous system

Many people arrive in therapy believing that their nervous system is broken. They describe feeling constantly on edge, emotionally flooded, numb, shut down, reactive, exhausted, or disconnected from themselves and others. Often there is a quiet sense of shame beneath this, a belief that they should be coping better, trying harder, or thinking more positively.

From a trauma-informed perspective, however, these experiences are not signs of pathology. They are signs of a nervous system that has adapted intelligently to threat.

Polyvagal theory, developed by Stephen Porges, offers a compassionate and biologically grounded framework for understanding these patterns. It reminds us that the nervous system is not primarily organised around happiness or productivity, but around safety and survival. Our reactions are not chosen; they are reflexive, patterned responses shaped by our histories, particularly by relational and developmental experiences. When we understand this, the work of calming and re-regulating the nervous system becomes less about control and more about relationship — with our bodies, with others, and with the present moment.

Before exploring specific pathways to regulation, it is worth briefly grounding ourselves in what we mean by regulation at all. Regulation is not a permanent state of calm, nor is it the absence of anxiety, sadness, anger, or fear. A regulated nervous system is one that can move flexibly between states, respond appropriately to challenge, and return to a baseline of relative safety and connection. It is dynamic, not static. Trauma narrows this flexibility. Regulation work is, therefore, about widening the nervous system’s capacity rather than forcing it into stillness.

From this foundation, I want to explore five interwoven ways we can support nervous system regulation. These are not techniques to “fix” ourselves, but invitations to work with our biology rather than against it.

1. Safety Through Connection

The first and perhaps most fundamental pathway to nervous system regulation is through felt safety in relationship. Polyvagal theory places the ventral vagal system at the heart of social engagement, connection, and co-regulation. Our nervous systems evolved not in isolation, but in community. Safety is detected not only through the absence of threat, but through the presence of warm, attuned others.

For many people seeking therapy, especially those with relational or developmental trauma, safety in relationship has been inconsistent or absent. Their nervous systems learned early that connection was unpredictable, dangerous, or overwhelming. As adults, they may crave closeness while simultaneously bracing against it. In this context, regulation cannot be achieved solely through individual self-soothing strategies. It emerges through experiences of being seen, heard, and responded to with consistency over time.

In therapy, this often looks deceptively simple. It may involve moments where a client notices that their therapist’s voice is steady, their gaze is kind, their responses are predictable. These cues of safety are not processed cognitively at first; they are registered neuroceptively, beneath conscious awareness. Over repeated experiences, the nervous system begins to update its expectations. What once felt threatening may start to feel tolerable, then familiar, and eventually safe enough to rest into.

Outside the therapy room, this pathway invites people to reflect gently on where they feel even a small sense of ease with others. It may not be in deep conversations, but in shared silence, humour, routine, or presence. Regulation grows not from forcing intimacy, but from allowing ourselves to receive co-regulation in doses our nervous system can manage. From a trauma perspective, learning to notice and trust these moments is often more powerful than any formal exercise.

2. The Regulating Power of Rhythm

A second pathway to nervous system regulation lies in the body’s relationship with rhythm and predictability. Trauma disrupts rhythm. It fragments time, interrupts cycles of rest and activity, and leaves the nervous system scanning for threat rather than settling into flow. Polyvagal theory highlights the importance of patterned, rhythmic input in signalling safety to the autonomic nervous system.

This is why practices involving gentle repetition can be so regulating. Walking at a steady pace, rocking, breathing with a slow and consistent rhythm, listening to music with a predictable tempo, or engaging in routine daily rituals can all support regulation. These experiences help organise the nervous system without requiring conscious effort. They communicate, at a bodily level, that the environment is stable enough for the system to downshift.

For trauma survivors, rhythm can feel surprisingly emotional. Slowing down may initially bring awareness to sensations or feelings that were previously held at bay by hypervigilance or busyness. This is not a sign that rhythm is harmful, but that the nervous system is beginning to feel safe enough to reveal what has been waiting underneath. In therapy, pacing becomes crucial here. Regulation is not about flooding the system with calm, but about titrating experiences so that safety grows gradually.

Inviting clients to experiment with rhythm outside of sessions is often most effective when framed as curiosity rather than prescription. What happens if you pause at the same time each day? What do you notice when you walk without headphones? How does your body respond to different types of music? These questions honour the nervous system’s intelligence and support agency, both of which are central to trauma recovery.

3. Restoring Choice and Agency

The third pathway to regulation involves restoring a sense of choice and agency. Trauma, by its nature, overwhelms choice. It places the nervous system into states where actions are constrained, responses are reflexive, and escape may be impossible. Over time, this can leave individuals feeling trapped within their own reactions, as though their bodies are making decisions without them.

From a polyvagal perspective, restoring agency supports ventral vagal activation by countering the helplessness associated with dorsal vagal shutdown or the frantic urgency of sympathetic mobilisation. Even small experiences of choice can have a significant regulatory impact. Choosing when to take a break, how to position one’s body, or whether to engage or withdraw in a given moment can begin to re-establish a sense of control that trauma eroded.

In therapy, this often means slowing down processes that might otherwise feel directive. Rather than guiding clients towards specific outcomes, trauma-informed work emphasises collaboration. The therapist checks in, offers options, and remains responsive to cues of overwhelm or withdrawal. This not only protects the client’s nervous system, but models a relational environment where choice is respected.

For those engaging with therapy, it can be helpful to reframe regulation as something they do with their nervous system, not to it. Noticing when something feels too much and allowing oneself to stop is not avoidance; it is regulation. Saying no, changing one’s mind, or taking longer than expected are all acts of agency that support nervous system safety. Over time, these choices accumulate, gently reshaping the system’s expectations about power and autonomy.

4. Meeting Internal States with Compassion

A fourth pathway to calming the nervous system involves developing a compassionate relationship with internal states. Many people approach regulation as a battle against anxiety, anger, dissociation, or shame. From a trauma perspective, this internal conflict often mirrors earlier relational dynamics where certain feelings were rejected, punished, or ignored. The nervous system remains activated not because these states are present, but because they are being fought.

Polyvagal theory helps us understand that different autonomic states carry different functions. Anxiety may reflect sympathetic mobilisation in service of protection. Numbness may indicate dorsal vagal conservation in response to overwhelm. Rather than asking how to get rid of these states, a trauma-informed approach asks what they might be trying to do for us.

This does not mean resigning ourselves to suffering, but it does mean meeting our internal experiences with curiosity rather than judgement. When the nervous system senses acceptance rather than threat, it is more likely to soften. In therapy, this often involves helping clients name sensations and emotions without immediately analysing or correcting them. Language becomes slower, more descriptive, less evaluative. The body is invited into awareness, but not interrogated.

For people new to therapy, this approach can feel counterintuitive. Many have spent years trying to manage their distress through control or avoidance. Learning to sit alongside discomfort, even briefly, can be profoundly regulating when done in a supported context. It signals to the nervous system that difficult states can be tolerated without catastrophe, and that internal experience does not have to be met with urgency or fear.

5. Re-orientating to the Safety of the Present Moment.

Finally, the fifth pathway to regulation involves reconnecting with meaning and orientation in the present moment. Trauma collapses time. The nervous system reacts as though past threat is happening now, even when the environment is objectively safe. Polyvagal theory reminds us that regulation depends on accurate neuroception — the ability to detect safety in the here and now.

Practices that support orientation help the nervous system differentiate past from present. This might involve gently noticing sensory details in the room, feeling the support of the chair or floor, or acknowledging the date, time, and current context. Importantly, orientation is not about forcing oneself to feel safe, but about providing the nervous system with updated information.

Meaning also plays a role here. Humans are not only biological systems; we are meaning-making beings. When experiences are contextualised within a narrative of survival and adaptation, the nervous system often softens. Understanding that one’s reactions make sense given their history can reduce shame and self-blame, both of which are potent activators of threat responses.

In therapy, this often emerges through psychoeducation offered with sensitivity and timing. When clients learn that their symptoms are rooted in nervous system adaptations rather than personal failure, something often shifts. The body may not immediately calm, but it may become less hostile towards itself. This internal alignment supports regulation over time.

For those considering or beginning therapy, it is important to know that nervous system regulation is not a linear process. There will be moments of increased activation, periods of apparent setback, and times when old patterns resurface. From a trauma-informed lens, these are not signs that therapy is failing. They are often signs that the nervous system is renegotiating long-held strategies and testing whether new responses are possible.

Calming and re-regulating the nervous system is not about becoming perpetually calm. It is about cultivating safety, flexibility, and connection within ourselves and with others. Polyvagal theory offers a map, but the journey itself is deeply personal. In therapy, this journey is held within relationship, paced with care, and guided by respect for the nervous system’s wisdom.

Ultimately, the nervous system does not need to be forced into regulation. It needs to be met, understood, and accompanied. When this happens, calm is not imposed; it emerges.

#regulation #trauma #psychologist #therapy #recovery

Photo by Harshit Suryawanshi on Unsplash